Anyone who knows me will know that this year has been truly hellish. Literally everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and I feel like I've spent more time in NHS buildings than I have in my own home.
I didn't think it was possible to feel so broken mentally and physically. When I think back on this year and everything I've experienced, felt and endured I not only well up by I feel so angry with everything and everyone. I simply feel let down. I have normally been fairly good at coping with my medical conditions, I'd even go as far as to say I've been quite resilient. But this year I just haven't. I've felt weak, tired, emotional, scared, sub human, broken, neglected and vulnerable. I've felt like the world is against me and honestly I didn't realise a person could ever feel so broken. Anger is a dangerous emotion as so many people keep telling me. My mental health team believe I'm a very angry young woman who pushes people away. But you see I think there is so much to be angry about. Im angry because..........
The problem is the anger it tears you apart and the only one its hurting is me. You see my doctors go home at the end of the day and continue with their lives, I wouldn't even cross their minds however I spend so many hours thinking about the what ifs and the maybes. I torture myself daily thinking about what I did to deserve any of the treatment I had between January and March/April. What if my tube didn't fall out or what if another doctor changed my feeding tube. The thing is I can't change any of it and I need to accept this new life. But I can't With all these issues comes a lot of time spent in hospitals, doctors surgeries and mental health centres. The problem is I have had to many negative experiences in these places and I am now scared of them. I will literally do anything to avoid a hospital admission, even if that means going against doctors advice. I don't think I want to accept how much has changed or how bad my body is now. I'm not afraid to admit my mental health has taken the biggest beating of it life in the past year. Every morning I wake up and I either hold back tears or I just cry, I wake up and I remember that this is my reality. This is my life and I am still living it. It's like a punch in the face, an ever more horrible feeling that this nightmare is real. It's hard enough to battle all the physical symptoms of my conditions without my mental health joining in. The thing is many therapists, support workers and psychiatrists don't know what to do. They don't fully understand my physical conditions and exactly how much time I spend in hospitals. But mostly they are not magicians and they can't do anything about my physical conditions I'm hoping 2018 is going to be better and kinder but I'm not expecting anything as I've learnt you can't be disappointed if you expect nothing! I'm hoping a new consultant/surgeon may be able to offer help and I hope I can start working through my PTSD but I know it's going to be a slow process. It's going to be difficult but I want 2018 to be a year which I can sort my shit out...... Happy Christmas and Have A Wonderful Healthy New Year!
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About MeI'm Kate. A chronically Ill person just trying to live life the best I can. Please join me on my journey! Don't be afraid to ask me things :) Archives
May 2017
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