As most of you have probably realised I am very honest & open about my conditions both physical & mental. But there are still parts of my condition which I can only share with Matt my partner & my family. You see these parts of my conditions show me at most vulnerable & my worst side.
You see I try so hard to be strong, postive & get on with life, this is not always possible. There are days where I can't be strong all day or something happens to tip me over the edge of sanity. These sides of me can come on suddenly & sometimes very unexpectedly, I have no control over my feelings at times. However there are also times where I have been strong for everyone & I simply can't keep being strong. It's at times like these my walls come down & I present my vulnerable side. Sadly my feelings can be confused by my family & Matt, they can also cause problems. But I believe if I share with you exactly how I feel, I may help people understand. Super Explosive Anger & Pissed Offness There are many times when both Matt & my family would say I was angry or overally frustrated for no apparent reason. It upsets them, but it's also so upsetting for me. You see by the point I am showing anger & frustration I have spent hours or days trying to keep my feelings inside. By the time I'm visably angry or upset I am at boiling point. From the eyes of my family or Matt this could mean that stubbing my toe suddenly provokes an over reaction of anger. I always forget that no matter how close me & Matt are he will never be able to read my mind. You see I'm not trying to upset or hurt anyone it's just that everything becomes overwhelming & the stubbed toe is the last little thing to push me over the edge. When I'm at my angriest I'm at my most vulnerable, my weakest & I need support. Sadly anger is a really unattractive mood which doesnt really trigger the caring side of most people. I would like to take this moment to apologize, I really don't mean to get angry, Alot of the time I don't know what is causing my anger, this means it looks like a crazy reaction to something tiny. I just can't cope sometimes, so I explode. Crying I try really hard not to cry in public or in front of people, sadly I'm not always able to hide my tears. I only tend to cry if I'm in real pain, struggling to cope or feeling guilty. Matt has seen me cry...more times than I'd like to admit. I find that I can trust Matt & express exactly how I'm feeling even though I know it can upset him. I try really hard not to cry in pain as I know if upsets Matt & my family as sometimes there is little they can do to help me. There have been many times I have cried to myself as well, even when feeling rubbish I want to protect the ones I love most. Sometimes I'm crying not because I'm in pain but I just feel hopeless, I'm sick of being sick! Worrying, Feeling Guilty & Becoming a Burden No matter what my family says I will always worry I am a burden & I will feel guilty that I need so much help. I will continue to worry that Matt is becoming tired of my constant illnesses & appointments. Then I will continue to worry that my friends, family & Matt no longer want to deal with all my issues. I am scared that the constant hospital appointments, peroids of illness & emergency admissions will become tiring & people will just give up on me. No matter how ill I am or how serious the situation is I will continually apologise to everyone who comes into contact with me. I'll apologise to first responders & paramedics for wasting their time or for them having to deal with me yet again. Il apoligise constantly to my mum during an admission as I feel so guilty for taking up her time, especially when she has work the next day. I am fully aware that I can't always help my conditions but I still feel like its my fault. Matt is such an important part of my life which means it's particularly difficult when I feel like im letting him down or becoming a burden to him. I want to be able to have a normal life with him & do things that a normal young couple would do. So when I end up at A&E in the early hours of the morning & I tell Matt he will drive all the way to meet me at hospital. He is such a big support & he cares a lot about me, he is always telling me he doesn't mind that I have a disfunctional body. But I know it's difficult & I know it's not what he imagined life would be like, so I worry....a lot. He is an amazing person & I wish that I could be a little more normal for him......
1 Comment
Jan
1/12/2017 06:08:46 pm
Kate
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About MeI'm Kate. A chronically Ill person just trying to live life the best I can. Please join me on my journey! Don't be afraid to ask me things :) Archives
May 2017
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