I am not ashamed to say I have PTSD, I've had varying degrees of it my whole life cause I have basically been brought up in hospitals but a year a go I went through my most serious traumatic event.
It has been nearly a year since I was admitted into the hospital after my tube had fallen out. This should have been easy to fix and difficult to mess up however it appears I was unlucky. For whatever reason policies weren't followed, appointments were not made and treatments did not happen. A mixture of all these issues meant I was left without any tube in my tube tract, that consequently led to my tract beginning to close. That was the start of my nightmare. I've had so many endoscopies and tube changes throughout my life, I was absolutely fine with endoscopies and tube changes. I say was because now I'm petrified of them, even the thought of them makes me tearful. So my tract was closing up and there was nothing in the hole, I went into hospital with a 14F [French, it's a weird tube size measure] sized hole. Anyway this began to close so by the time I got to endoscopy my hole was probably a 8-9F size. The doctor however thought an 18F tube would be appropriate.... One of the effects of being such a frequent hospital user who has many procedures and conditions is that sedation never works properly. Now when I say sedation doesn't work properly I mean I need about 3-4 times the normal amount to be knocked out for a small amount of time. So I tell this doctor about my sedation issues and they act like they've listened... I woke up half way through the procedure screaming. My stomach felt like it was being ripped open, it was in fact the doctor cutting my stomach to get the large tube in. I can't even describe the pain I experienced cause I've never been in so much pain. I was screaming so loud and I started trying to move the doctors hands away from my body. I wanted them to stop, I wanted the whole experience to stop. But it wouldn't. Most doctors would give more sedation until I was out of it again, they would offer some sort of pain relief. Unfortunately this doctor was not most doctors and they didn't sedate me further. Instead they got the nurses and assistances to hold my arms and legs under the table. Then as they became more frustrated the tube wouldn't fit the harder they pushed it in. I blacked out. I woke up on the ward in so much pain. It then turned out that the hole was now too big for the tube and left me with acid pouring out of my stomach. This caused acid burns to my skin which meant I needed another tube placed. This time I was knocked out with large doses of sedation and diazepam. I then spent 3 months in hospital, trapped on a ward who wasn't listening to my concerns and fears. I was in so much pain which was never fully controlled. Due to the damage done with the first tube my intestines were left in shock and stopped working. I didn't poop in nearly 3 months..... But instead of identifying the issues and working to improve the situation, I was blamed. I was clearly an opiate addict who was addicted to anti-sickness medication. I asked for opiates because I was in so much pain and I asked for anti-sickness because I feel sick all the time. I only wanted to be comfortable. After going without feed for weeks I was put on TPN which I am still on now. You see many things happened in those 3 months, if I listed and explained everything we would be here for days! They've had a profound effect on my mental health and general life. I feel like I left a large part of me in that endoscopy suite, a piece I haven't yet been able to get back yet. I feel cheated, last January I was doing so well I'd even started attending the gym regularly. When I look back to the person I was before the tube change I hardly recognise her. I know it's not going to be easy and it wont be quick but I'll get back to the person I was before. I need to learn to be kinder to myself and accept that the healing process will take time. But I have time and I have a good support network. I also need to remember I will have sh*t days, and there will be days where giving up seems like the best thing to do but when that happens I just need someone to tell me to keep going......
1 Comment
Jane Simpson
1/25/2018 12:38:04 am
I feel so sorry for you Kate you are so young to have had those experiences. A lot of nhs staff seem to have no understanding of what it is like to live with chronic conditions and assume that as you have been hospitalised so much it’s all normal not that it scares you witless. I too get so low and just want to pull out nj and let nature takes its course sometimes. Every time you think you are at the bottom the nhs shows you that there is lower. But keep strong Kate you are an inspiration to me xx
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
About MeI'm Kate. A chronically Ill person just trying to live life the best I can. Please join me on my journey! Don't be afraid to ask me things :) Archives
May 2017
Categories |